Time marches on

T minus 8 days and counting before I return to work.  As I expected to be I am a mixed bag of emotions but the one emotion that is oddly missing is the one marked "ready".  I knew without a doubt that I wanted to take as much time as I could for my maternity leave.  I strongly believe that this is time you just don't get back and am thankful we were able to take the necessary steps ahead of time to allow me to be with him for his first three months.  I truly feel for those who don't have the means or option to take the extra time with their new baby, its a huge loss for both...this country's policies towards maternity/paternity leave is so archaic and ass backwards...but that is a post for another day I'm afraid...I think about were I was at 6 weeks postpartum (especially after our first two were spent in the hospital) and there was NO way I was ready to return to work!  My body was really just starting to heal from birth (again my 2 week NICU stint did nothing to help speed my recovery) and we were still 1.5-2 weeks away from really getting a good solid hang of breast feeding, not to mention my emotional readiness...needless to say it would have been a worst case scenario, for us anyway.  But as I sit here staring down the pipe line...just the thought of leaving him makes my heart tighten and brings tears to my eyes.  I know I'm not alone in this emotion, I'm sure it's the same feeling most moms that have to return to work feel at the thought of those first weeks away from that sweet bundle, I hope as the time passes and it becomes more routine that feeling subsides a bit.  And yes, that sweet bundle is a crap ton of work...far more that my desk job will demand of me I know, so it is certainly not a matter of feeling like its an easier gig to stay home...quite the opposite I would say.  I know how hard it can be on the days Mike works and I am solo for 24 hours, makes me really admire my military mommies for the single parent roll they play for months/years at a time, often with no family near by to offer support...HARD HARD HARD!  But even knowing how hard it is, the rewards are greater than I could have ever imagined.  I am beyond grateful that the majority of the time I am at work he will be with his daddy, although if I am to be completely honest here I am as equally jealous as I am grateful.  Im so glad it will likely be daddy to hear his first word and witness his first steps rather than his outside care provider but it breaks my heart to think of missing those things.  But time marches on, and so must I,  I just hope it doesn't march too too fast...

                                                           Look how big I am already!